“I cannot build relationships as well when we are working remotely.”
“It is hard to read people as well in a virtual meeting as I can do in-person.”
My clients and their team members have been repeating these mantras to me since the pandemic started, as they suddenly had to conduct all their business via technology rather than meeting with colleagues in person.
What I say to these mantras is: HOGWASH. It is imminently possible to read people and build relationships virtually. And if you want to “win” in this new world of virtual management and leadership, you are going to have to buck up, figure it out, and excel at it.
I meet with local clients in person when possible. Yet I have always worked with clients in other parts of the world (Switzerland, France, India, Hong Kong, Australia, the UK, Canada) as well as in all states across the US. Thus, I have seasoned “reading people” and “relationship-building” skills for both the phone and video. Senior leaders of global organizations also have these skills because they, too, work with colleagues all over the world, meeting in-person for only a tiny fraction of their total interactions.
Human beings are constantly communicating through their bodies, providing observable cues to others that indicate what they are thinking and how they feel. One simply has to tune in to this level of communication. You are already doing this unconsciously, to some degree. So, none of this will be a surprise. But you will greatly enhance your virtual relationship capabilities by paying much closer attention to the subtle ways human beings reveal their thoughts and feelings – not through what they say, but how they say it.
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Tone of voice: Our mood is expressed in the sound of our voice. When one is stressed and tense, the body contracts, tightening muscles around the throat and jaw. One can hear this in the voice. What is the tone of your colleague’s voice? If you know him/her well, you already know the range of tones s/he has. If you do not know him/her well, listen. Over a short period of time, you will come to know. The voice is an instrument and has many notes and tones. Pay attention to them. They convey emotion.
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Volume of voice: Our energy level is expressed in our voice through its volume. When I am relaxed, my voice is softer, quieter. When I am charged up or angry, I am louder. “Charged up” and “angry” even have different volumes. Happy and excited feelings also express as a louder voice. Disengagement or disappointment are shown in a lower volume. Much can be read about a person through the combination of their vocal tone and volume. A tight constricted tone and loud voice can indicate stress or upset, even slightly.
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Speed of speech: Different people have different speech speeds. Some people are fast talkers, some are slow talkers. Everyone has their own range. Noticing your colleagues’ typical speech speed helps you gauge where they are in the moment within their range. Faster speech can indicate excitement, optimism, conviction, or anxiety. Noticing your colleague’s speed of speech in combination with her/his volume and tone will indicate which emotion it is.
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Rhythm of breathing: One can notice a colleague’s breathing both over the phone and on a video. One can hear people taking breaths between sentences. They can take a quick breath, or a long slow breath. They can take frequent or infrequent breaths. They can sigh. On video you can notice the rise and fall of a colleague’s shoulders or torso when they breathe. These aspects of breathing indicate how relaxed or stressed someone is, how excited they are, or if they are constricting their breathing or holding their breath. The latter occurs at times when one disagrees or feels uncomfortable and stressed, as in a conflict. A sigh is a cue for the release of stress. It could be that the person is experiencing stress, or has just stopped experiencing stress, relieving it through a sigh.
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Pauses: When someone pauses in their speech, some thought or feeling is being dealt with inside. It is an opportunity to learn about that person’s thought process, the relationship between their thinking and their verbal expression. Alternatively, if someone is dealing with an emotion, they may pause in their speech to feel it or conceal it. One can ask about that pause, saying “what was going through your mind when you paused there?” This question, if delivered with genuine curiosity and openness, can also build rapport and trust.
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Self-interrupted phrases and sentences: Sometimes I start a sentence before my thought is completely formed, and as I am speaking, I further develop my thought or the series of thoughts I want to express. So, I interrupt myself. I start a sentence, then I interrupt it by restarting another sentence, and then I can do it again until I get it right. This reveals to a close listener how I think, as well as how focused or scattered I may be in a given moment. And being focused or scattered – or even flustered – is an indication of my relationship with a topic or maybe a person. It says a lot about me, or anyone who interrupts their own sentences. It is also an indication of trust and intimacy, if I am willing to edit myself in another’s presence like that.
Specifically for video:
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Body posture and movements: Is your colleague leaning towards the screen, or leaning back? Is she resting on elbows, sitting tall, or slumping? Leaning on an elbow, resting a head on the hand? Does he move his hands and arms, gesture, or change position when making a point? Is he perfectly still? All of these details indicate a mood, a level of engagement, conviction, comfort, discomfort, intimacy or distancing, and stress or relaxation. Arms folded or crossed over the rib cage can be a self-protective gesture, indicating someone is not feeling safe or not wanting to share or reveal something. We speak with our bodies. And as our bodies move, our breathing, tone and volume of voice, and rhythm of speech are all affected. It’s all connected.
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Facial expression: This is an obvious one. People’s faces change a lot as they are feeling emotions and having thoughts, even when they try to hide it. A very small number of people are expert at hiding their feelings and holding a completely neutral face. But even that tells us something.
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Visual focus: This is a tricky one on video because often people will look at the other person’s picture rather than directly into the camera, so “eye contact” can be a bit funky in this medium. People also become distracted by their own image in a video meeting. That said, sometimes people will shift their gaze completely away from the screen as they consider an abstract thought, or a new piece of information or perspective. This can tell you a lot about what they know or don’t know, how deeply they are taking what you say into account (or not), and whether they are open to having their mind changed. This can also highlight if they are trying to remember something or engage deeply with your comments. It can obviously also indicate that they are doing emails or checking their phone, which we all do from time to time.
Deepening trust and relationships virtually is a natural extension of making these sensitive observations of another by:
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Listening without interrupting (count to “2” after they have finished their last sentence, creating a tiny bit of silence before you start speaking)
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Frequently nodding or saying “mmm” or “mmm-hmm” or “I hear you” or “that makes sense”
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Asking questions using the exact words the speaker used – repeating some portion of what they said verbatim
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As noted above, asking questions about a sigh or a pause or an expression (in a way that does not make them feel embarrassed or self-conscious about their body language)
For the black-belt virtual communicator and relationship-builder, understanding cultural differences within the regions of the US and across different countries of the world is key. All of the above-noted body language indicators vary by region. The key is to pay close attention and to learn over time – even a short period of time – and make note of cultural differences.
Your priority is to consciously focus on observing the other person – or people – and their physical cues. Businesspeople are often so completely focused on the topic at hand, on the content of their meetings and the points they want to make, that they forget to notice, observe, listen, and take note of other people’s cues. Give a significant amount of headspace to the form of the interaction as well as the content in your virtual meetings, and you will become the best relationship builder and person/politics-reader in the company. This will certainly give you an advantage!